This is Shania, my cat… I mean dog…

She’s a beautiful calico kitty that we rescued years and years ago. But guys? I’ve got to tell you a little secret…

She’s broken…

Don’t get me wrong, Shania is a masterful kitty, full of sass and hunger. Her favorite thing to do is to pass judgement on evil onlookers while she flicks her tail. Oh yeah–and to attack your pant leg as you pass by. Her favorite place to hang out is the tailgate of my brother’s work truck, and her favorite snack is Kit-N-Kabootle munchies… but she will NOT eat the X’s…

Sounds pretty normal, right? Wrong.

My cat, the beautiful Shania, is trained.

Yup!

She knows no, get down, and also, don’t you dare. I trained her not to climb on the screen door after she fell off of it as a kitten. We trained her to pull a toy wagon when Daniel and I were little. We even trained her to come when we call–no matter how far into the pasture she is, whenever we call out her name, she’ll come running up the driveway.

See? She’s more like a dog than my actual dog…

Yes indeed, for all of Shania’s wonderfully dogish qualities, I cannot, for the life of me, train her to stop licking people!

It started when I left for college… She would cuddle up to my dad for much-needed attention and my father would happily oblige. But then, she got too comfortable.

Before long, Dad’s affection was not enough for Miss Shania, and she moved on to try to win my mother’s heart instead. But… the great Annie does not like cats.

Shania though, has a mind of her own and no regard for personal space. So, every day, while my mom is watering the plants, Shania winds her way through each of my mom’s steps. She’s almost tripped her a couple of times, and after getting yelled at so much, the cat-dog had to come up with a new tactic.

Now, instead of just winding around people’s feet, Little Miss Shania, stops in the middle of a twirl to lick her victim’s feet. She even licked my best friend when she dropped me off after an adventure together–Shania followed her right to the car and licked her cherry-red toesies. What. A. Brat.

It would be fine if she was a dog, with a floppy tongue and a cute smile, but the cat has killer teeth, and claws, and a tongue that feels more like sandpaper and less like a soft flower. Not cute at all. I told her that the other day too…

She was twirling around my legs endlessly, and no matter what I did, the stinker would not stop. So I told her:

Shania. You are not cute. You are annoying.